Ways to Hurt Your Loved Ones!

Note: just because I know there has to be somebody out there stupid enough to pull one or all of these pranks, neither Matt Mongrain nor Tripod is responsible for your stupidity in committing any of these acts. Idiot.

1. TELL YOUR FRIENDS THEY'RE FAT!
This will make them anorexic, and then you will be able to throw them much more easily. Especially fun if you have midget friends - we all know that Mr. T was a midget throwing champion, so you can feel like Mr. T all day long!

2. RENOUNCE YOUR RELIGION!
Everyone says Jesus has a great sense of humour, so imagine how he'll be rolling in laughter when you announce to him on the 2nd that selling your soul to Satan was just a joke! (Note: Satan may not be as tickled.)

3. HIT YOUR FAMILY IN THE BACK WITH AN AXE!
No, not really, you sick fucker. Unless it's a Canadian Tire^TM axe, official Axe Sponsor of the Fireteddy site!

4. RE-LABEL DRANO AS 'SUPER TASTY SUNNY DELIGHT!'
Because everybody loves the great fruit taste of Sunny D, and who can resist the colours of a Drano bottle? If your friend has a throat left, he'll be sure to be laughing uproariously between ragged attempts at breathing!

5. BREAK UP WITH YOUR LOVER!
Through the blinding veil of tears, they'll be chuckling! To make this joke extra-funny, be sure to tell your "ex" that you never loved them at all, and it was all just an elaborate charade to marry his/her brother/sister (respectively)! And also, lie about your sexual orientation!

6. FRAME A PERSON FOR MURDER!
Also great for revenge!

7. FORCE THEM TO WATCH THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS ON AN OBSCENELY HIGH VOLUME LEVEL!
Unfortunately, very few are able to withstand this for any length of time, so have a defibrillator on hand. Be especially wary of any scene where Paul Walker opens his mouth, as certain sections of the brain tend to implode.

8. KIDNAP THEIR CHILDREN!
Especially if they're at a tender age. As ransom, ask for something silly, such as a "Giant pink inflatable elephant!" or "Naked pictures of you!" Note: attempt this technique only if your friend is Jessica Alba.

9. THROW WHOOPEE CUSHIONS AT THEM!
...but be sure to fill them with cyanide concentrate first!

10. ANNOUNCE TO YOUR WARTIME NAZI FATHER THAT YOU'RE A JEWISH HOMOSEXUAL!
Needs no explanation!

11. SECRETLY CUT OFF THEIR GENITALS AND THROW THEM OUT THE WINDOW OF A MOVING VEHICLE!
This perennial favorite is always sure to draw mass media attention! Never again will people be able to tell them "things could be worse!"

12. COMMIT A HATE CRIME!
If you commit it against an Arab or other Middle Eastern minority, you'll probably be considered a local hero! Disgusting... but true!

13. CONVINCE THEM TO PURCHASE A PAIR OF CALVIN KLEIN DESIGNER BOXER BRIEFS!
They'll spend their entire life wondering why they paid 100$ for fucking underwear!
 

[ this page and all media therein is copyright © 2002 by matt mongrain. the photo stills on this page are copyright Universal Pictures 2001. all rights reserved. reproduction prohibited without express, written permission of the author. ]