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When I open the paper, every day it just smacks of stupidity. Sure, wars are stupid and all, but is anything really more stupid than people who file lawsuits without reason? You'd have to be really stupid to beat that - I mean, stupid is as stupid dows, but that would be just stupid. That's why I started this page - to tell the stupid people to not be stupid anymore and to discourage the potentially stupid population from ever becoming stupid. In thanks, you can send me money.

And now, risking expensive defamation lawsuits that will no doubt generate tons of ad revenue for this site, onto the first lawsuit!

FIRETEDDY ABSOLUDRICROUS CASE #001:
MICHEL THIBODEAU VS. SEVEN-UP AND AIR CANADA
Let's start this page off with a bang. Michel Thibodeau works for the House of Commons. For you non-Canadian readers, that's a government facility. He's a technician, and probably makes enough money to support a decent living.

He's also from Quebec. I've lived in Quebec for a couple of years, and then quickly moved away - though I'll totally kill all Quebec-related traffic to my site by saying this, fully half of Quebec's population consists of what I like to call 'language fundamentalists' - the militant Al-Quaida of the language world. In Quebec, you can't have English signs, even though it's one of Canada's official languages. In Quebec, you can't turn right on a red light. And in Quebec, everyone thinks they're better than you.

That's why it's a good thing Mr. Thibodeau here is from Quebec, or else he'd have no excuse to be this stupid. Kind of like you can sort of forgive a militant fundamentalist Islamic terrorist for being like that because he believes in the extremes of his religion, you can sort of forgive Michel Thibodeau for being the extremist he is. But only sort of.

This is the setting. Thibodeau sat comfortably in his padded seat in a probably very nice Air Canada flight, when he thought "Hey, I sure could use a 7-Up to quench my thirst. Mmm, 7-up." So, what else is a Quebecker traveling abroad to do? He slammed the air flight attendant call button with a great push of his index, and sat back, waited.

A smiling and bubbly attendant soon answered his call. "Hello, there, sir," she said with a grin, eager to show off the skills she's learned at Air Flight Attendant University. "How may I make your flight more pleasant?"

"Bonjour," said Thibodeau in heavily accented French. "Puis-je avoir un seven-up?"

The waitress flusters, confused. She didn't understand a word of French, and doesn't know how quite to handle this situation. "I'm sorry, sir," she says, blushing. "I don't speak French."

"Raaar!! BLAARGH!! BALLBAAH!!!" says Thibodeau in an angry fit of rage. Well, maybe that last part didn't happen, but it did in my mind's eye. He made no more of the issue, and smiles nicely. The waitress was glad she did okay, and went back into waiting mode. Thibodeau got off the plane, and to his destination.

Nine days later, he filed a lawsuit against Air Canada, claiming $500 000 in punitive damages and a further $25 000 in general damages, claiming that he was not served in French as is his Constitutional right.

If you have any sense left in your head, dear reader, you are probably currently repeating the mantra "what the fuck" inside your well-educated head. And if not, read the following aloud: what the fuck.

Ah, but that's not even the kicker. He speaks English too, and was perfectly able to order his drink in English.

Suing an airline because one of the stewardesses didn't speak your mother tongue is kind of like jumping out of a plane and falling into a pit of whoopee cushions naked. Why is this a good comparison? Because they're both stupid. If I sued every person I walked into that couldn't speak French for $500 000, you know how much more money I'd have? None, because they'd all get thrown out of court by a laughing judge. You just don't do it. It's common sense. Common sense like, don't cut your own wrists with knives because you will die. Don't sue airlines because the stewardess coulnd't speak French and your social life will die.

If this guy still has any friends, they're all members of the Quebec Language Police and probably aren't very cool. In fact, I tried to contact DC comics to see if they could just get Superman to whip Michel Thibodeau's ass, but all I got was this:

FROM: SERVICE@DCCOMICS.COM
TO: LOUDSPEEK@HOTMAIL.COM
SUBJECT: RE: SUPERMAN I NEED YOUR HELP

Unfortunately, Superman is currently busy with much bigger projects and cannot help you at the moment. He will, however, send you a gift box full of things. Have a super day!
--------------------
Chet Atkins, Customer Service Rep, DC Comics

A week later I got a package in the mail that contained a single pornographic sticker and a Cuban cigar, and a very strong smell of rum. The words "frum chet" were scribbled unevenly on the interior of the box.

Unfortunately, the court has not yet turned in a decision regarding this case, so I can't pour my derision into it right now. But be assured that as soon as I hear of what the court rules, it'll be right up here.

Meanwhile, send me your opinions and stupid lawsuits, and rock on, surfers.